Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pretty festive when it comes to Christmas. I start playing Christmas music at 12:01 AM the day after Thanksgiving. So, naturally, there’s plenty of time to discover the messed up side of those jolly jingles.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am an “equal opportunity music listener,” so don’t go thinking that I don’t play these songs or listen to them. It’s just that I’ve really been listening to the lyrics this year and I’ve found some interesting stuff out there. So, I present to you, The Inappropriateness of Christmas Lyrics, Part 1 (because there will be more inappropriateness to come, I’m sure).
For this entry, I’m featuring songs about/inspired by that jolly fat guy in red suit. No, I’m not talking about your uncle Kip, I’m talking about Santa Claus!
Song: Here Comes Santa Claus
Artist: Gene Autry
Lyrics: He doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, he loves you just the same.
Santa does love you either way, you just won’t get any gifts from him if you’re poor.
Song: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Artist: Randy Brooks
Lyrics: The whole song.
Look, Santa’s a busy guy, and he’s got no time to watch out for little old ladies walking home in the snow. Plus, hadn’t grandma been drinking too much eggnog? I think SHE’s the one at fault here! Why isn’t anyone upset about grandma’s death? Oh, because of all the GIFTS. And why hasn’t anyone checked Santa for PTSD? You know: Post Traumatic Sleighing Disaster.
Song: Santa Baby
Artist: Joan Javits (a senator’s daughter, natch- most notably performed by Eartha Kitt)
Lyrics: Think of all the fun I’ve missed, think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed.
Santa, it was really hard choosing between materialism and keeping my pants on, but in the end, sheer greed won!
Song: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Artist: Tommie Connor (originally performed by Jimmy Boyd)
Lyrics: Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus, underneath his beard so snowy white…
Kid, you’d better get your ass back upstairs before you see mommy and Santa doing anything else. That’s either your dad in a Santa suit, or your mom’s getting a little on the side.
Song: Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
Artist: JF Coots and Haven Gillespie (performed by many unfortunate musicians)
Lyrics: You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why…
Santa’s gonna show up real soon, see, and he’s got this big, black belt, see… and he’s been watching you, and he’s gonna mess you up real good, kid. So don’t be a wiseguy…
Song: Jolly Old St. Nicholas
Artist: Under debate, but performed by many different musicians.
Lyrics: As for me, my little brain isn’t very bright; Choose for me, old Santa Claus what you think is right.
Santa didn’t care if you’re rich or poor in his “comin’ to town” song, and in this song, he also doesn’t care if you’re a special needs child – you are also welcome to share in his spirit of giving.
Song: Up on the Housetop
Artist: B.R. Hanby (again, performed by many)
Lyrics: Here is a hammer and lots of tacks, whistle and a ball and a whip that cracks.
On second thought, maybe it isn’t such a good idea to let Santa decide what to get you. Clearly Santa has no children of his own – or he’s sadist.
Song: Back Door Santa
Artist: Clarence Carter
Lyrics: The whole song.
There is no greater gift during the holidays than that of adulterous sex. Am I right?
I don’t know about you, but to me, Santa seems to be a pretty maladjusted dude – not only does he threaten the crap outta you if you’re naughty, he also won’t give you gifts if you’re poor (but he’ll give dangerous gifts to the good kids instead). He doesn’t think that special ed kids can decide what they want, he inspires grown women to misbehave (or just barely behave for expensive things) and his reindeer killed your grandmom.
I’m just thinking that Jesus didn’t do any of that stuff.