The 5 Emotional States of Pregnancy They Don’t Warn You About.

Pregnancy is roughly 40 weeks of hormonal cocktails that have a woman reeling faster than any alcohol-based cocktails she had prior to being “with child.”  Since I’m currently one of these lucky ladies, I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing 5 very common emotional states thus far – emotions that I was never warned about.  Since I’m only in my second trimester, there may be more emotional states to come, but for now, and for your reading pleasure and information, I present to you: The 5 Emotional States of Pregnancy.

Number 1:  Joy-Induced Weepiness.  It strikes without warning:  there you are, minding your business just making a smoothie and “Isn’t She Lovely?” by Stevie Wonder comes on the radio and you burst into tears.  It is the Most. Beautiful. Song. Ever.  (psst… it’s not).  But today, right now, while you’re standing in the middle of your kitchen attempting to make something healthy to eat and you’re out of vegetables so you decide to mix frozen peaches with milk in a blender, Stevie has hit a nerve and by-golly, he’s hit it good.  You start to imagine your husband, teary-eyed and smiling, holding your new daughter* just after she’s born and you’re ready to melt into a lump of goo, right there on the linoleum.  It’s just so joyous!  You start to imagine your parents, first time grandparents, staring lovingly at your new bundle-of-joy, their first grandchild, while Stevie belts it out:  “I can’t believe what God has done; Through us he’s given life to one…” And you think you’d better hit the “frappe” button on the blender to drown out the music, because if not, you may need medical assistance.

Number 2:  Worry-Induced Weepiness.  This emotional state, very much like #1, also strikes without warning.  But, unlike #1, it is most likely to strike at the most convenient time of day:  late night.  Also, unlike #1 it is extraordinarily unpleasant and can usually only be resolved by falling asleep, eating ice cream, or eating ice cream and then falling asleep.  The slightest cramp, the smallest headache, the littlest lightheadedness and suddenly you think, there’s something wrong with me or the baby.  Dear Lord Almighty I need an ambulance!  Since it’s usually late at night when this strikes, the poking-husband-while-he-sleeps-routine ensues:

“Honey…. (poke, poke)… honey?” 

With muffled snorts, husband responds, “What?”

“Um.  There’s this tiny little twingie feeling just above my left hip and I’m a little concerned.” 

“Mmmphhpph….”

“Do you think I should call the doctor/midwife?” 

“Mmmphhpph…”

“Hmm… I don’t know.  I’ve never felt this twingie feeling before.”

“Mmmphhpph…”

“Ok, well, you’re probably right.  It’s probably nothing.” 

“Mmmphhpph…”

“I’ll just go get some ice cream.” 

“Mmmphhpph…”

So, you start to convince yourself that everything will be O.K. and just to make sure, you go get the ice cream.  You feel sad eating ice cream alone in the dark kitchen, so you go to the living room, turn on the TV, and there’s a commercial for Johnson & Johnson baby soap, or something akin to that, and you fall into the weepy world of pregnancy.  You feel helpless and worried and all alone… you sob and worry about the baby and whether or not you’ll be a good mother and what kind of baby soap is best and what is that twingie feeling anyway, dammit?!… and the next thing you know it’s 4 AM and you’re on the couch being awakened by two dachshunds that need to pee.  The twingie pain is gone and you’re too tired to care.  And you also need to pee.

Number 3:  Mama-Bear Obstinacy.  This emotional state hits when someone has dared question your choices or suggest something other than what you have set your mind to do.  If you want to give birth while riding a gazelle and strumming a ukulele – by GOD that’s what you’re going to do!  And, if you are riding that gazelle and strumming the uke through a meadow and you decide to name your child Meadow (whether it’s a girl or boy, by the way), God help the soul that merely hints at suggesting anything otherwise.  Afterall, you’ve done a lot of research and you’ve just about driven yourself to the edge of insanity with information about the best way to give birth, and you are at that point where you know your shit and you are Superwoman.  Roar.

 

Number 4:  Murderous Rage.  You get cut off in traffic, the credit card company is giving you a hard time, the cable guy didn’t show up during the 27-hour time slot, your dogs ate your favorite hand lotion, the semi-adult kid next door had yet another late night party (on a Tuesday!?!), and once again your husband has left dishes in the sink (when CLEARLY the dishwasher is empty) and finally, it is just too much – you are pushed too far and you lunge headfirst into the Murderous Rage state where you want to scream obscenities you haven’t used since college at everyone and flail a mace wildly in public.  Afterall, don’t they KNOW you’re pregnant?!!  There is really no way to cure or ease this emotional state, and it’s best that everyone simply stay out of your effing way until it passes, or until you hear another sappy song about babies and/or love and/or parenthood.

Number 5:  Rainbow-Unicorn-Fairy-Peacefulness.  The rarest and most fleeting of the emotions, this happy-go-lucky state is when you perceive all is right with the world.  There are no weird twingie pains, your husband is being goopy-sweet, a family member has called without pregnancy advice, you just ate a fluffernutter sandwich, the sun is shining just right, the dogs are happily prancing around the deck chasing bumblebees, and all is well with the universe.  You feel peaceful, almost zen, and suddenly want to do yoga.

“I will be a good, no, excellent mother…”

And then, after 5 minutes of bliss, something triggers emotion #1, 2, 3, or 4 and you’re feeling like your regular pregnant self again!

Good times.

 

*We do not yet know the gender of our child, in case you just got really excited for a minute there.  Sorry for inducing your excited state.
Also, thanks so much to Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half for the artwork that most accurately depicts my emotional states. 

Swagger: if you don’t have it, rhyme it.

What do Ke$ha, the Black Eyed Peas, and Maroon 5 have in common?*

No, the answer is not “bad music.”  Though that might be partially true, I would argue otherwise for Maroon 5, ‘cos you know, Adam Levine:

Ladies? 

Ok, I digress. 

The answer is they’ve got swagger.  And not just any old swagger – no, they’ve got Mick Jagger’s swagger.  Say that five times fast. 

“And now the dudes are lining up ‘cuz they hear we got swagger, but we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.”   ~Ke$ha, “Tik Tok”

Oh.  Ok.  Clearly she really did brush her teeth with a bottle of Jack

“All these girls they like my swagger, they callin’ me Mick Jagger.”  ~Black Eyed Peas, “The Time”

I don’t see the resemblance.

And Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera decided to dedicate an entire song to Mr. Jagger’s swagger:  “Moves Like Jagger,” features lyrically genius lines like this: 

“Kiss me ‘til you’re drunk and I’ll show you all the moves like Jagger;  I got the moves like Jagger… I got the moooOOOooves like Jagger.”

Mmm.  Yes.  That is some satisfying lyricism right there.  (But I can’t really get that upset because again, Adam Levine could sing about hemmorhoids and I’d still think he’s hot).

To be serious though, what’s up with these artists?  Are they so entranced with their swagger, someone else’s swagger, or needing to see some swagger that they must mention it in their songs?  And how in the world, in just a short 2 years, did all these songs mentioning Mick Jagger and swagger get on the radio?  

I recently read a very brief article that mentions this trend, and after reading it I agree:  “swagger” is an overused word and stylistic concept in today’s music, and the artists writing these songs are getting just a little lazy.  

That’s my unprofessional opinion and I’m sticking with it.   

And to be fair to good ol’ Mick, who did (and maybe still does) in fact have quite a bit of swagger, along with the other guys in the Rolling Stones (not to mention almost a hundred singles, more than two dozen albums, and millions of fans, one of which is me), here is a much better picture of him when he was younger:

 Yep.  That’s swagger. 

And for you youngins who want a quick education on the musical importance of Mr. Jagger and the Rolling Stones… just click here.  And do yourself a favor, download a few of their songs from iTunes.  You’ll get it.

*Yes, the other answer is: they are in my iTunes library.  As well as quite a few from the Rolling Stones, and I will unabashedly play them at my next party.  Because a good beat is a good beat, and no one cares about the lyrics if there’s a keg.
 

Valentine’s Miscellany

I love Valentine’s Day.  I used to hate it.  But now I love Valentine’s Day for a reason that you might not expect.  I love the colors.

The red-pink-white combo is delicious to me.  I want to eat it and decorate with it and wear it and make things with it. 

And yes, I know how “girly” this post is, and how completely unnecessary it is for me to discuss Valentine’s Day colors, but look how pretty…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And no, I haven’t gone all hog wild and decorated my whole house in red, pink, and white hearts and flowers.

I’m too exhausted from the gratuitous Christmas decorating I do every year that takes me a week to put up, and 3 days to take down.  By the time Valentine’s Day rolls around, I barely get a heart-shaped wreath on my front door.

Not my front door. But this is pretty, no?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think that the colors of Valentine’s Day remind me of warmer, sunnier, more colorful days soon to come. 

Or, is it that I’m in love?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Either way, it’s a pretty good holiday.

One more… I just couldn’t resist.

This is a craft that I will be featuring here soon. Check back often!

The Inappropriateness of Christmas Song Lyrics: Part 1

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pretty festive when it comes to Christmas.  I start playing Christmas music at 12:01 AM the day after Thanksgiving.  So, naturally, there’s plenty of time to discover the messed up side of those jolly jingles. 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am an “equal opportunity music listener,” so don’t go thinking that I don’t play these songs or listen to them.  It’s just that I’ve really been listening to the lyrics this year and I’ve found some interesting stuff out there.  So, I present to you, The Inappropriateness of Christmas Lyrics, Part 1 (because there will be more inappropriateness to come, I’m sure).

For this entry, I’m featuring songs about/inspired by that jolly fat guy in red suit.  No, I’m not talking about your uncle Kip, I’m talking about Santa Claus!

Song:     Here Comes Santa Claus

Artist:    Gene Autry

Lyrics:     He doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, he loves you just the same.

Santa does love you either way, you just won’t get any gifts from him if you’re poor.

 

Song:     Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Artist:    Randy Brooks

Lyrics:     The whole song.

Look, Santa’s a busy guy, and he’s got no time to watch out for little old ladies walking home in the snow.  Plus, hadn’t grandma been drinking too much eggnog?  I think SHE’s the one at fault here!  Why isn’t anyone upset about grandma’s death?  Oh, because of all the GIFTS.  And why hasn’t anyone checked Santa for PTSD?  You know: Post Traumatic Sleighing Disaster. 

 

Song:     Santa Baby

Artist:    Joan Javits (a senator’s daughter, natch- most notably performed by Eartha Kitt)

Lyrics:     Think of all the fun I’ve missed, think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed.

Santa, it was really hard choosing between materialism and keeping my pants on, but in the end, sheer greed won!

 

Song:     I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Artist:    Tommie Connor (originally performed by Jimmy Boyd)

Lyrics:     Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus, underneath his beard so snowy white…

Kid, you’d better get your ass back upstairs before you see mommy and Santa doing anything else.  That’s either your dad in a Santa suit, or your mom’s getting a little on the side.

 

Song:     Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

Artist:    JF Coots and Haven Gillespie (performed by many unfortunate musicians)

Lyrics:     You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why…

Santa’s gonna show up real soon, see, and he’s got this big, black belt, see…  and he’s been watching you, and he’s gonna mess you up real good, kid.  So don’t be a wiseguy…

 

Song:     Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Artist:    Under debate, but performed by many different musicians.

Lyrics:     As for me, my little brain isn’t very bright; Choose for me, old Santa Claus what you think is right.

Santa didn’t care if you’re rich or poor in his “comin’ to town” song, and in this song, he also doesn’t care if you’re a special needs child – you are also welcome to share in his spirit of giving.

 

Song:     Up on the Housetop

Artist:    B.R. Hanby (again, performed by many)

Lyrics:     Here is a hammer and lots of tacks, whistle and a ball and a whip that cracks.

On second thought, maybe it isn’t such a good idea to let Santa decide what to get you.  Clearly Santa has no children of his own – or he’s sadist.

 

Song:     Back Door Santa

Artist:    Clarence Carter

Lyrics:     The whole song.

There is no greater gift during the holidays than that of adulterous sex.  Am I right? 

I don’t know about you, but to me, Santa seems to be a pretty maladjusted dude – not only does he threaten the crap outta you if you’re naughty, he also won’t give you gifts if you’re poor (but he’ll give dangerous gifts to the good kids instead).  He doesn’t think that special ed kids can decide what they want, he inspires grown women to misbehave (or just barely behave for expensive things) and his reindeer killed your grandmom. 

I’m just thinking that Jesus didn’t do any of that stuff.